I've heard it several times in the last year and a half. "God sure knew what he was doing when he made you Trey's mommy." I appreciate the words - truly - but sometimes I wonder what that even really means. I mean, it's almost a punishment, isn't it? Like a baby being born with cancer ... God picked that mom to have that particular child, right? So why would God pick a death sentence and so much heartache for that poor mom? Does God give us diseases and illness? I mean, aren't we taught that God creates everything ... So did he create diabetes as well?
Tough questions. Questions I ask sometimes and questions I wonder about, but I don't think anyone really knows the answer to those. We all have a theory or our own beliefs, but no one can say with 100% certainty that God did or did not create this bad stuff.
What I do know is that I am Trey's mom and Trey does have Type 1 Diabetes and we do fight it every single day. I know that I give 100% to that child and his illness and I know that it leaves me crabby, tired, defeated and boring. I know that the disease is in control. I know that no matter what I do, I won't ever be able to take it away from him. I know that I worry myself sick because of T1. I sometimes think about him going out on his first date, his first vacation away without me, his first week of college and his children some day.
Before Trey was diagnosed, I had made the comment to my best friend that I sometimes wonder if Trey would have a short life ... I wondered if he would die at a young age. Trey is a kid who has so much life in him. People are drawn to him like a bee to a flower. We have taken him to hockey games and races in different states and he's always either on the JumboTron's, in photographs or making new important friends. It sometimes blows my mind. What scared me is that when you would read of younger children who die ... Their obits were never about how the kid didn't do anything, no one liked him, he kept to himself. It was always about how full of life the kid was, always smiling and the star player for the team. Always! I see that in my Trey.
His diagnoses scared me for so many reasons and I'm not kidding when I say one of the first things that popped into my mind after hearing 'Type 1 Diabetes' was this is it ... He's doing to die young. There is still that fear, I won't lie. But I think after having a better understanding of T1 I don't think of it as often as I used to.
We were given this for a reason. I firmly believe one of those reasons was to educate other people. While I'm very much an introverted person, I am not afraid to speak up and be very articulate when it comes to something I know well and something I am passionate about. (People were surprised I sold Norwex because I had to get up in front of people and talk) I don't have this blog or Trey's T1D Facebook page for sympathy. I have those so I can educate people. I need people who read that page, to inform others. Stop the stigma that T1 = obesity and sugar.
I also am a self proclaimed control freak (sometimes! Over certain things anyway). I can't control diabetes. I've been shown who really is in control of things. As much as I try to do the right things and carefully count carbs and administer the perfect amount of insulin ... diabetes is going to do what diabetes wants.
I was going through some personal struggles when Trey was diagnosed. Without getting into details, I will say that his diagnoses came at the perfect time. I had just lost my job at Wyndham due to the relocation; I was going to be opening my own daycare; and I could be home to take care of him those first months. Without taking anything away from his daycare provider at the time, there is no way she could've handled what T1 demanded.
I've always been a faithful person, understanding that everything happens for a reason. I trusted God to help guide us through this awful time and to be present. There were times I was angry, it's true, but all in all, when I look at all the blessings in my life, I realize that God doesn't make mistakes. He gives us challenges and he DOES give us more than we can handle sometimes. He gives us more so we lean on him to handle what we can't. My faith is stronger than ever and on those days I am reduced to tears and want to throw in the towel, I feel him lift me up and say, "You can't quit on him ... we got this."
And lastly, I feel that because of T1, we have met some people we never would've otherwise. I've been over this in my blogs many times, but it's true. Every time I hear of someone I know diagnosed or some young child diagnosed my eyes swell with tears and I want to reach out and say, "You're not alone, momma. I'm here for you. I know what you're going through, I know it well. Lean on me." I hope I've helped these people some. While I can't take it away from them either, I can listen and listening is something I've always done well. Sometimes all we need to hear is that we are doing all we can and that T1 isn't fair. Sometimes we just need a hug. Sometimes we just need to yell and scream and then cry about it to someone that truly understands and doesn't judge or roll their eyes with annoyance. Sometimes we need a break ... a real fucking break from it all. Trying to find someone to take care of your T1 so you can go to a movie with your husband or take a quick mini-vacation some weekend is almost impossible. Sometimes we need that!!
Diabetes is 24/7/365 and we mommas need a break ... all momma's need a break ... a momma of a T1 needs it so badly because I guarantee she's exhausted. She's not sleeping 8 hours, she's not eating right. She's constantly figuring out what to feed her T1. She's on hold with the insurance company to order supplies because the 60 day supply lasted just 50. She's waiting for a call back from the Endocrinologist regarding some insulin changes because no matter what happens, he stays higher than 250 most of the day. She's grumpy but she's worried sick and she isn't just thinking about what could happen at the football game tonight, she's thinking about his first day away at college and if he will remember to dose himself after a night of partying even though he's not 21. So. Many. Worries.
